31 of South Park’s funniest jokes and quotes
South Park recently debuted on Netflix, so what better time to appreciate the crass wit of Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny – not to mention Randy Marsh – than with a list of the show’s best jokes and quotes?
Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s satirical show poked fun at everything from Scientology to Mel Gibson, often with results that were both hilarious and controversial. So of course some of the items below will be aimed at more adult readers.
Here are 31 of the funniest South Park jokes and quotes from the show’s history to date.
Your guide to what to watch next – no spoilers, we promise
(Warning: adult humor follows)
Cartman: [After Scott Tenorman discovers he’s been eating a chili made from his own parents] “Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Appetizing!”
Cartman: “I want to get on my knees and start praising Jesus. I want to feel his salvation all over my face.
Cartman: “I’m not fat, I’m plump for the holidays.”
Randy Marsh: [On love and romance] “As you get older, breasts will start to become an important part of your life. But you can’t let them get in the way of your friends. There are a lot of boobs there. But these are only breasts; your friends are forever. I know you think this set of breasts is important now, but these breasts will be replaced with another set of breasts. Breasts come and go and then one day you will meet a pair of breasts that you want to marry. And these become the most important breasts.
Cartman: [On not getting what he wants] “Why don’t you cross the street to buy condoms? Because we should at least be safe if you’re going to fuck me, mom!
Chief: [On slang] “Now, because white people say, ‘Hizzle fo shizzle’, we have to say ‘Flippity floppity floppity!'” dirty roulette
Cartman: “I looked in my mom’s closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas. UltraVibe 2000 pleasure! “
Cartman: “I’m NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes, they are inherent in a story! Deep situational and emotional jokes based on what’s relevant and meaningful, not just one random interchangeable joke after another!
Wendy: “Dude, dolphins are smart and nice.”
Cartman: “Clever and friendly on rye bread, with a little mayonnaise.”
Mr. Mackey: “Okay, smoking is bad; you shouldn’t smoke. And alcohol is bad; you shouldn’t drink alcohol. And when it comes to drugs, well, drugs are bad; you shouldn’t be doing drugs. That is just about everything.
Randy Marsh: [Caught in a ‘compromising’ position] “There was a ghost! And, uh… it’s an ectoplasm!
Cartman: “Hippies. They are everywhere. They want to save the Earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.
MTV Announcer: “You’re watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing 12-and-under station behind a stylish image. We’re so cool, we decide what’s cool. And now MTV News. The news that alone stuns our country, which is cool. “
Randy Marsh: [On safety in the NFL] “The players should all wear bras! And instead of helmets, they should wear little tin foil hats, because, you know, this is the future and we shouldn’t be so barbaric!
‘Matthew McConaughey’: “Sometimes you have to go backwards. Do we drive cars or do cars drive us? “
Cartman: [Trying to find friends on a webcam roulette website] “If you want to find quality friends, you have to browse the cocks first.”
Stan: “You know, I think if parents spent less time worrying about what their kids were watching on TV and more time worrying about what’s going on in their children’s lives, it world would be a much better place. “
Uncle Jimbo: “Damn, everything is legal in Mexico. It’s the American way.
Mr. Slave: “If you don’t teach your children that Paris Hilton is to be despised, how will they know?”
Reporter: “Tom, I am currently ten miles outside of Beaverton, unable to enter the city proper. We have yet to report any deaths, but we believe the death toll could rise to hundreds of millions. Beaverton only has a population of around eight thousand, Tom, so that would be pretty devastating.
Cartman: “Stan, don’t you know the first law of physics? Anything fun costs at least eight dollars. “
Chief: “Don’t do drugs, kids. There is a time and a place for everything. It’s called university.
Sportscaster Frank: “I haven’t seen an Englishman take such a hit since Hugh Grant!”
Randy Marsh: [On austerity] “We must stop frivolous spending! Instead of paying for cable, let’s watch the clouds! Instead of buying clothes, only wear sheets from your beds! Reduce your expenses to the strict minimum! Water, bread and margaritas.
Mr. Garrison: “Don’t worry. There are no stupid answers, just stupid people.
Scientist: “Global warming will strike … two days before the day after tomorrow.”
Cartman: “I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about “protecting the earth” and then ride in cars that don’t use very much gas and wear those stupid bracelets – I hate them! I want to kick them in the nuts!
Cartman: “Selling is nice, because when you sell you make a lot of money, and when you have money you don’t have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys. Fuck you guys, I’m coming home.
Kyle: “All animals kill, and animals that don’t kill are stupid like cows and turtles and everything.”
Mr. Garrison: “Don’t lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
Randy Marsh: [On craft beer] “” I’m not drinking beer! I taste a flight of German gluten-free lagers with a French food pairing! It’s called a smorgaswein and it’s elegantly cultural!
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